Octodad

Hi guys! I guess it’s time for me to stop procrastinating and actually write something here. I don’t really know what to write about but I’ll try.

So I’ve been spending my holidays doing nothing at home. I go to bed late everyday, like 4 to 6 in the morning, then if my mum doesn’t wake me up I’ll be sleeping till noon. Or maybe till after lunch. I usually miss both breakfast and lunch. I made a Pottermore account thinking that I would probably spend most of my time there but it didn’t last. I don’t really have any movies that I want to watch right now, so instead of movies I downloaded a lot of video games. Even Octodad. And spend most of my evening watching my brother plays Skyrim. It’s the same thing everyday.

But I’m not going to complain about it. I actually like this lifestyle. I don’t really feel like meeting any of my friends. I don’t feel like meeting anyone at all. Just my family is enough. I eat a lot here. Probably because I don’t have anything to do so I eat. I have dinner like everyday. I used to only have 1-2 meals per day and skip dinner but yeah. I take naps sometimes. I don’t like napping. But oh well. Hey, did I just describe an old people’s life?

I dyed my hair. I feel bad for my parents because it was kind of expensive. I bleached the whole hair though. Mum told me not to but as usual I will always do the opposite of what everybody tells me.

I’m currently thinking about selling stuffs online. Open up an online shop. I don’t know what to sell yet. I don’t even know how to start. Like where do I even find stuffs?

I went to a USA education fair a few weeks ago. I’m not sure if i could survive my current university. I dreamed about it. In that dream I kept telling myself that “giving up is only for the weak”. I take that as a sign to not give up. I’m always a quitter. I never finish what I started. Most of time I just lost interests. But in this case, it’s complicated. Even though I’m always a step behind in my studies, I never have problems catching up. I just really like to move at very slow pace. But the university’s treating me like shit. My Korean’s not very good. I took a year off university to go to language school. I am supposed to return this year but I couldn’t log in to my student account to register for this upcoming semester. And the office doesn’t even try to solve the problem. So I don’t know if I could continue my studies there or not, and I don’t know if I want to commit to any of this school’s bullshits. Similar thing happened in 2013 and twice in 2014 so I don’t know.

Anyway, I’ve always wanted to continue my studies in the US. I used to live there for 3 years,  I just really love that country. I kind of regret for not going there in the first place. Damn it k-pop. Because of k-pop, I went to South Korea, to audition and stuffs. I wanted to be an entertainer. The entertainment business in my country is just not as good.

I was like 17, I guess I didn’t really think. I don’t always get what I want, but once I start fighting for what I want, nothing’s impossible. I regret most of my decisions though, but I never learn. Wonder why.

Okay back to the education fair. There were so many good universities from many parts of the country, but I want to live in California. My dream is to go to any UCs. I don’t care if it’s UCLA or Berkeley or Santa Barbara, as long as it’s a UC I’ll be happy to study there. But I don’t even have SAT/ACT and I’m just too lazy to get them.

So I found this one community college where I could spend 2 years there, and later transfer to any one of the UCs. Sounds perfect to me. They don’t really need SAT/ACT/TOEFL, or whatever to begin with. But is it too late for me to go to community college? I’ll be turning 20 this year. Just wondering if there are some old people there. Cause usually you go there after high school right?

But really, I’ve heard of community college before but most of the people that I know told me that community college is never a good option. I don’t really know. Hm

ps : the content of this post has nothing to do with the tittle

Catching up

Oh it’s been a while. Hello there! My brother came for 3 weeks. We celebrated new year together. Well not really a celebration but sort of. I’m in my hometown now. It was good. I mean the trip. There were ups and downs of course. I don’t know if I should blog about my trip. Maybe I will, soon. There are a lot of pictures. I’ll put them in my laptop later. When I’m done procrastinating.

I have a diary now. That’s probably why I haven’t been here in a while. I’ve written a lot there. Oh and I’m sort of like on a mission. I’m trying to help my little sister. She’s far behind in her studies. She doesn’t know a lot about a lot of stuffs. So before she gets to secondary school, I’ll do what I can to help her improve.

I don’t know yet if I’m going back to Seoul. I feel like dropping out of university. It’s weird. How come I don’t have the desire to have a degree? I just think a person could be just fine without one. My friends are struggling. They studied their asses off to get a degree and here I am, working my ass off not to get a degree. I might look back and regret. Or not.

Oh me and my mum went make up shopping a few days ago. I am like so crazy about the 90s now. And I am so in love with Charlie XCX. She’s like my new idol. I’m cutting down k-pop and I’m starting to listen to vintage music. They’re cool.

I don’t really have anything else to talk about right now. Hope I’ll write again soon.

Life of a shopaholic

I should stop … wasting money

I quit language school a few months earlier than I was supposed to. I bought some books to read, downloaded some movies to watch, fixed the tv, installed wifi, blog, created a tumblr account, cooked, baked, met some people, I even copied all the songs in my phones and put them in my iPod, organize the songs in categories, cleaned my house, re-arrange the stuffs in my house, decorated my room, watched k-pop dramas & shows, re-watched Family Guy and Gumball episodes, well basically I did everything but shopping.

Then at one point, somewhere after I came back from Australia, I slowly ran out of things to do. I ran out of movies to download, books to read, new songs to listen to, Gumball episodes, and d-addict has been down since I don’t know when so I can’t download new dramas, I don’t have any friends on Tumblr, I kept posting selfies on Instagram and realized how hideous I looked so I deleted them afterwards, and yeah I don’t know what to do. So I started watching Youtube videos.

I re-watched all of Zoella’s videos, Joe Sugg’s, NigaHiga’s, and more. They were fun. Oh I love Youtubers. I like Zoella the most. She inspires me to be a girly girl and it’s okay to not be perfect. In Korea… well, they don’t actually say it but it seems like what matters the most is being perfect (explains the never ending plastic surgeries) and I’m not perfect so thank you Zoe.

So after watching Zoella’s videos, I was inspired to kind of ‘upgrade’ myself. I reorganized my wardrobe. I am currently trying to sell some stuffs online. I posted an ad on Craiglist but nobody seems to be interested. I threw away some of the bad stuffs and keep the good ones. I realized I don’t have much winter clothes in my wardrobe, so I went out shopping. I bought a lot. Like a lot. Mostly from Forever 21 (I love F21! F21’s like the only brand that make sense to me). There were some from H&M and local not-so-cheap Korean shops too.

Oh I’m collecting accessories now. I used to hate wearing them. I used to think that they’re uncomfortable. You know like when you want to wash your hands you’ll have to remove the rings, or it could get stuck with your clothes, etc. I also used to think that I look ugly with accessories and I always had problems matching them with my clothes. I’m collecting mostly earrings and rings now. But somehow recently I’m into bracelets too. Seoul has a lot of accessories shops. I’ll definitely buy something every time I go out.

I went shopping a lot. But somehow my life started to go back to how it was before. Back to movies, back to cleaning my room, back to watching Gumball episodes, and more. I felt guilty for spending a lot of money but I was very satisfied with what I bought. So I thought, okay maybe I won’t be shopping until the end of December, or till at least my brother comes. But then, I wanted to go out so I got ready and when I looked at the mirror I realized that I want a beanie. So I went out and bought beanies.

Ever since I started to re-watch all of the Youtuber’s old videos, I haven’t stopped going on Youtube, and now since I’m into make ups, I’ve been watching a lot of make up tutorials. So being me, as usual, I got inspired to buy some new make ups. So I went out again. They have a lot of make up stuffs in Korea. Well, thank god though! I went out to buy them. But at the end I didn’t because there are just too many!! There are just a lot of choices, and I have no idea which one to buy, so I gave up.

I did mention I made a Tumblr account right? So I was scrolling down, reblogging, talked to some random people, and I found this really pretty picture of a room (really, it’s so pretty it’s like my dream room or something) so I decided to re-decorate my room. So I went out to buy some stuffs.

It’s Christmas season so thank god fairy lights are very cheap. I swear I could buy like 10 of them for $20. I made a (good?) plan so that I could finish redecorating before my brother comes. So my plan was to buy fairy/LED lights, and other decoration stuffs today, and tomorrow I’ll buy some candles to make my room smell nice, and on Wednesday I’ll probably find some magazines filled with vintage/inspirational pictures, or quotes to put on the walls in my room (my walls are so white right now I swear my eyes hurt every time I look at them). So from the list (or ‘plan’), basically, I wanted to make my room vintage. Or, just the kind of rooms that you often see on Tumblr.

After buying some stuffs I went to this one accessories store, it’s kind of like my favourite store. Like every time I go to Myeongdong I just have to go to that store. It’s full of Bohemian/Hipster stuffs which I am currently into now. I was just planning to look and not buy! and probably come back after my brother arrives, so I won’t have to use all the money I have now. My parents didn’t send me this month’s money  because my brother’s coming so yeah you get the idea.

I spend around $90 for 5 or 6 bracelets and I swear they’re gorgeous. But the bad thing is, yeah now I am left with less than $50 to survive till the end of the week. Well, I don’t mind eating pancakes and chicken salad everyday. But I was just thinking, after my brother arrives I won’t be having much time with my friends, and they’re all going back to their hometown by the end of this month. Some of them are coming back but some of them will not. I was thinking about spending some time with them before the end of this week but I guess I can’t. I don’t have enough money to even go to a restaurant now (that’s an exaggeration, but you get the point)

I don’t/never regret spending money, but I do feel guilty. They’re not mine. My dad must’ve been working really hard to get those money. I swear I have the most generous parents in the whole wide world. We’re not rich. I just think that we have enough. We know some people and they are like 10 times wealthier, plus my mum’s a housewife. so basically my dad is the only one who earns money in the house. So my parents are just generous. They let you have whatever you want as long as it’s not a bad thing. They said that now me and brother, we are having better lives compare to them when they were in our age. So I just think that they probably want us to have a better life than them, so that we could be happy and will probably have a better future too. But as their daughter, I’m sorry, but honestly I don’t think I’m doing a very good job being their daughter. I take advantage of most things. I mean, I did a very good job on the ‘enjoying life’ part but not on the ‘working for a better future’ part. *cries*

Nyctophilia

I wouldn’t call it insomnia, cause it’s not. I haven’t had a normal sleeping pattern for so long. Nyctophilia, that’s what they call it — a love or preference for night, darkness — Sometimes they said it’s basically for sad people. Sadness is always related to darkness doesn’t it.

I don’t think I’m sad. I’m just lost. I feel quite empty right now. I don’t have any ambitions, dreams, or basically future plans. I don’t think I have anything I want either. I just want to live. But when you live without a purpose, you don’t feel like living anymore. I would want to say that I don’t mind dying now, but I have a belief. I’m not a religious person. I just believe in my religion. I believe in heaven and hell. I believe in the end of the world, or judgement day. No matter how much I want to say I don’t mind dying right now, I can’t. Not because I can’t say it. But it’s because I think I’m not ready.

Well that’s about dying. Back to Insomnia. I wouldn’t say it’s Insomnia because it’s not that I can’t sleep. I get sleepy every night. It’s just that I don’t want to sleep. I don’t like darkness. It’s scary. I just love the night. It’s so calm and peaceful. You can’t really see many people on the streets either. Everyone’s asleep so nobody can bother you.

Don’t get me wrong. I love both day and night. I just think that night is better. I would want to fix my sleeping pattern. I get sleepy and tired everyday. But no matter how sleepy and tired I am, I just don’t want to sleep. I wish I could say I want things to turn around. People sleep during the day and work at night. But that will erase all the night’s magic wouldn’t it.

Sometimes I think I don’t want to sleep because of the time. Time moves faster everyday. Maybe not sleeping could make it slower a little bit. I remember that I used to have enough time for everything. But nowadays I always feel like I could never have enough time for anything. I’ve always been, rushing.

I keep talking about not wanting to grow old, when I am not even 20 yet. I don’t know when I’m going to die but I have a feeling that’s it going to be soon. I always feel like I have to spend all the time with the ones that I love so that I wouldn’t have any regrets. I don’t really like going out, unless it’s for shopping or meeting some friends. But I often say yes when my family ask me to come with them. Or when they’re leaving for somewhere far, I am always worried. If there is going to be an accident, or something bad is going to happen, I would want to be there. I don’t mind dying first. Or if we’re going to die, at least we could die together.

Is this normal? To have these kind of thoughts. That’s why I never speak when I have opinions. My opinions are always different from other people. and they always think mine’s a bit, weird. I took English literature for a semester last year. I could never join in any discussions. It’s not that I don’t want to, but they’ll think I’m weird too.

In a poem, the poet talked about red wheelbarrow, and chickens, and something more, I couldn’t remember. Normally in discussions, everyone would probably analyze why the wheelbarrow is red and why did the poet put chickens in the poem. Sometimes, don’t you just think that the writer was probably sitting somewhere where there were red wheelbarrows and chickens and he just felt like talking about it so he did. You know, like when I seen an interesting person and I want to tell somebody about it so I just describe what I see.

Sometimes I think if any of the writers from decades ago are still alive, human or not, some would probably think we’re genius, but some would probably think we’re stupid. I mean analyzing is good. It’s not bad. It’s creative. But that’s just how I think. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think like this all the time. I don’t take things too literally all the time. I have my own imaginations too. I think some poems have its own secret messages too.

Well anyway, I’ve been into British movies nowadays. I downloaded a lot of them. I just finished watching Never Let Me Go a few minutes ago. That was my second time. I forgot how the movie was like so I re-watched it. I’m quite sleepy right now. But I just finish downloading The Maze Runner. I think I’m going to watch that. Goodbye now

Life goal

Introduction

I created my previous blog a few months ago. I quit language school and decided to stay in Seoul until the end of this year to have a few more fun before heading back to university.

I started blogging when I was 14. I had quite a lot of blogs back then. That’s because I kept giving up on blogging until I was like 16. I never blogged ever since. So back in July, after quitting language school I decided to create a blog and started to post random stuffs like videos, random quotes, random thoughts and more. I didn’t actually write long posts until mid August. I thought I would give up blogging after a few weeks, or after a month but it’s November now and I seem to still be writing, surprisingly.

So today, I decided to change this blog’s address, deleted all of the previous posts and start fresh! Hopefully this blog will last forever though. I love writing but I just don’t know the right way to tell/explain things. If you ask me to describe how my cat looks like I would probably write an essay about it. Normal people would just say “ah it’s a maine coon, he’s chocolate with white spots, it has blue eyes, etc” but yup, not me. Even this post for an example, I wrote and deleted a lot of things before I could finally publish it.

I may not have any readers at all but I’ve been having a lot of things in my head recently and was kind of finding a place to let it all out so why not just let this place be the place.

I’m not a good writer, my English is not perfect too. I got confused with the grammars a lot. So to all the grammar nazis out there, please forgive me. I tried writing a blog using my native language once but then it sounds kinda weird.

So, hope you’ll enjoy reading 🙂